Money From Nothing
July 14th 2015
For centuries Man has set out on the quest for the elixir of eternal youth, sought to invent the perpetual motion machine and dreamed of getting something for nothing. But while we still all shall get old and the laws of physics still hold there are few who have achieved the ability to draw wealth from thin air.
Wake Clearfield is the latest such miracle man.
In a recent interview Mr. Clearfield expounded to me the virtues of his new business and the fabulous wealth it has brought him.
"I have none of the hassles of ordinary business ventures. I don't have to source materials, pay to transport my product, carry an inventory, or worry about pilferage and theft."
"And how about customer satisfaction," I asked.
"That is another wonderful thing about this business. My customers won't ever complain, or try to return my product for a refund, even if my product doesn't live up to any of my advertised claims."
"Surely those ubiquitous and pesky government regulators will investigate your business for false advertising," I countered, "if your product turns out to be seriously flawed and the claims for its worth turn out to mere fabrication."
"They won't because they can't. Those government regulators are specifically forbidden by law to investigate, or even criticize, any of the claims I make for my product."
"But surely," I protested, "you must abide by consumer protection, environmental and safety regulations."
"Not in any way that concerns the claimed benefits, if any, of my product. My product is not subject to any testing, inspection, or licensing by any government agency. I am not even subject to the Revenue Agency.”
"That can't be true. All businesses have to pay taxes on the income they can't hide," I argued.
"Nope. None of the income my business brings in is taxable, not by Cascadia, or the federal governments of any other country we do business, or even any locality. Hell, I don't even have to pay property taxes on my place of business. And you ought to see it. No expense spared to make it a showpiece. I even get my police and fire protection paid for by ordinary taxpayers even if those taxpayers don't have any use for my product. Even if they detest it, they still pay.
The interview continued for some time during which I found out his product comes in a variety of flavors and a number of dosage strengths, from five daily dosages, to a weekly dosage and even a once a year dosage. It seems also to come in a variety of packaging options, from a three in one package featuring a rather opulent scarlet and gold covering to several plain brown packages each seeming to promise the same version but upon tearing open the plain brown packaging finding slight variations in the product versions, which while appearing insignificant to the casual observer, turn out to be of monumental importance to specific consumers.
An example: the day of the week it is best to use the product, some insist it should only be used on Saturday while others argue strenously only Sundays will do, while still others set aside Wednesdays and alternate Friday nights for its use. Whatever day they set aside it is usually the only day they put the product to any use.
The interview over, I thanked the good Reverend Clearfield for his time.
As I started to leave, but before I could open the door of my Lolota Shamry, my compact and practical auto coach was sprayed with gravel from the spinning tires of his vintage Bennington Luxe 947.
Clearly, I am in the wrong business.
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